Expert advice on the ten most important steps a guy will take before walking down the aisle
Expert advice on the ten most important steps a guy will take before walking down the aisle
By Steve Irsay
“What do you think of these tea tins as centerpieces?”
The question came at me unexpectedly one afternoon from my lovely fiancée, Sabrina. My first thought was: Tea comes in tins? followed closely by: I don't really care. Wait - why am I thinking about tea tins? Of course, my audible response was more like “Umm, sure. Whatever you like.”
Hi, my name is Steve, and I'm a groom-to-be.
It's not always easy. Sure, you're excited about sharing the rest of your life with the one you love, but the road to holy matrimony can be paved with appointments, walk-throughs, fittings, tastings, and frustratingly nuanced discussions of paper stock, table shapes, chair rentals, and other things guys never knew existed - let alone came in so many colors, shapes and styles, respectively. Which is why the best advice I have for grooms is simply to pick your spots. There are certain parts of the wedding planning process that you have to put some real effort into: the ring, the proposal, the vows, and the first dance, to name just a few. The rest of it is the time for you to be as accommodating and agreeable as possible. (Great practice for married life, or so I am told...).
Since I'm hardly an expert on marriage, I've enlisted five Orange County wedding planners and coordinators to advise guys on the 10 most important things they need to do before saying “I do.”
Selecting The Ring
The Challenge The engagement ring is something your sweetheart must love - and love showing off to everyone she knows or meets... ever. As Kimberly Bradford of Kimberly Bradford Event Planning and Design in Costa Mesa puts it, “This is the most important piece of jewelry you will ever purchase in your entire life.” Gulp.
Expert Advice Better to be safe than sorry. “Brides always say they love surprises, but when it comes to a ring that she is supposed to wear for the rest of her life, the groom better get it right,” says Brea-based wedding and event coordinator Kevin Covey. Figure out what she likes, even if it's not your personal taste. “If my husband could have picked the ring he wanted for me, it would have been automated in some way and parts of it would have been spinning!” says wedding planner Lorraine Keseloff of The Wedding Fairy. Some women make it easy, leaving wedding magazines around the house with dog-eared jewelry ads. Others may be less obvious, so you'll need to investigate. Talk to her best girlfriends, or even relatives. If covert tactics fail, take her ring shopping. “She does not have to know when, where or how you will pop the question,” says Bradford. “But you are better off to be 100% sure that the ring you buy for her is the one.”
Popping The Question
The Challenge After the ring, the “how did he propose?” will be the second most-talked-about topic amongst your bride-to-be and her friends. “I hate to have to tell you, but you must give your girl a story to tell,” says Keseloff. Again, no pressure.
Expert Advice Put some thought into your proposal. It does not have to be extravagant or over-the-top, but it should be personal, memorable and romantic - which means yes, get down on that knee. “It is so old fashioned, but women are true romantics at heart, and it is a very sweet memory she will carry with her for a lifetime,” says Jennifer Scheumann of Costa Mesa-based It's Your Day weddings. Also, have an engagement ring with you, even if it's a simple placeholder while the actual ring is being made.
Dealing With The Future In-Laws
The Challenge Sometimes, there's a reason the term “mother-in-law” can make a grown man cower in fear.
Expert Advice Treat your future in-laws with respect, even before the wedding. “I always think it is a classy approach when the groom asks the bride's father first for his daughter's hand in marriage,” says Covey. “It really shows that the groom is a gentleman and it also sets the tone of the support of the in-laws.” If the relationship with your in-laws is difficult, remember that you are marrying your wife, not her parents, so love her and take care of her first and foremost. “Your in-laws should recognize and appreciate the fact that there is someone in the world who loves their daughter as much as they do,” says Bradford.
The Gift Registry
The Challenge Spending hours walking around feigning interest in Vera Wang serving dishes. “The day you register for gifts will be one of the longest days of your life,” warns Covey.
Expert Advice You will be registering for a fair share of things you care nothing about (e.g., those lovely etched silver escargot tongs). At least some stores let you use a cool barcode scanner to mark your items, notes Scheumann. “The scanning gun can be a lot of fun for grooms,” she says. “Just smile, reinforce her decisions, hold the gun, and point and scan when directed.” But you don't always have to be a silent, gun-wielding partner in the ordeal. “Register at one place you like,” says Newport Beach-based wedding coordinator Gail Garceau, “such as a home improvement store, computer and electronics store or a sporting goods store.” Since couples who live together before marriage may have the home furnishings they need, you can trade a trip to Crate & Barrel for a trip to an island resort thanks to travel agencies that let you “register” for a honeymoon, allowing guests to pitch in for airfare, spa treatments and other parts of the vacation. “A trip to the islands of Greece is so much more exciting than a panini griller or toaster oven!” says Bradford.
Proper Attire
The Challenge Dressing how you want to dress while simultaneously dressing the way she wants you to dress - and still looking good. “The bride gets to choose her perfect dress, but the groom normally has to wear what the bride says he has to wear,” says Keseloff.
Expert Advice Despite some disagreements (Bowtie! No, long tie!), there are a few things we can agree on: the tuxedo remains the classic choice, and ruffles and cummerbunds are out. And you don't have to look like a butler in your tux. Use a special pair of cufflinks, socks or other accents to make the outfit your own. “A tasteful, yet savvy, show of your personality will wow your guests,” says Garceau. If you choose to go with a more casual look, make sure your bride is on board and that it fits the time and location of the wedding. “If it is a very formal evening wedding, your vision of you and your guys in khakis and flip-flops isn't going to fly,” says Scheumann.
Gifts for Groomsmen
The Challenge Giving your inner circle something personal that says “thanks” but hopefully won't get buried in the back of a sock drawer.
Expert Advice Monogrammed accessories like money clips, flasks and wallets are pretty standard, but it could be a necktie, watch or electronic gadget. It's also okay to be more creative. In fact, the gift doesn't have to be an actual item; it could be a memorable night out. “Great tickets to a sporting event that you may all be able to attend together as a group is a great choice,” says Bradford. “Rent a party bus so you can all enjoy the day fully and safely.”
The Bachelor Party
The Challenge Have fun with your buddies without having to explain to your distraught future wife why you blew the “first house nest egg” on poker and you keep getting racy text messages from a young lady named Candy.
Expert Advice “Be careful - be very careful,” warns Covey. “Whatever you do, she will eventually find out.” In other words, have fun - preferably the good, clean variety. “This is not your 'last single hoorah,'” says Scheumann. “Have a great time and be respectful of your fiancée.” Weekend trips for golf, fishing or skiing are all good options. But whatever you choose, do it at least a few days - if not weeks - before the big day so you are not exhausted at your own wedding.
Exchanging Vows
The Challenge Nothing like a little public speaking when you are already as nervous as you possibly can be, especially when you are writing your own vows. “Unless you are a published writer or poet, this has got to be the most nerve-wracking thing to ask a man to do,” says Keseloff.
Expert Advice Do what's comfortable. If you are shy, let the officiant do most of the talking and repeat those vows, perhaps tacking on personal sentiments. But if you do choose to go off script and write your own vows, practice what you are going to say, have a written copy with you during the ceremony, use a microphone so the guests can hear you, and, most of all, just be yourself. “Brides just melt when personal vows are exchanged,”" says Bradford. “Speak from your heart and you cannot go wrong.”
The First Dance
The Challenge You've picked “our song.” Now you have to maintain the attention of your guests - and your own dignity - when all eyes are on you and your two left feet.
Expert Advice Unless you and the missus regularly tear up ballroom dance floors, take a few lessons together. Some schools offer first-dance classes that let you choreograph a routine. “But please don't put so much pressure on yourself that it ceases to be fun,” says Keseloff. And if neither of you likes dancing, there are two options: have the wedding party and parents join in after about 30 seconds, or do what Scheumann calls “the sixth grade sway.” "Whatever you do, people will think it is so sweet because it is your first dance as Mr. and Mrs.," she adds.
Planning The Honeymoon
The Challenge Assuming your bride did most of the wedding planning, the honeymoon is your time to shine.
Expert Advice Start researching several months in advance. If your bride is the type who likes surprises then surprise her - as long as it's a pleasant one. “Drop some hints and have her guess before revealing your fun plans,” says Scheumann. “Just make sure you pick a destination you know she will love.” Even if the destination is not a surprise, plan for some unexpected activity that your new wife will enjoy, like an impromptu lakeside picnic. “She'll love coming home to tell a story,” says Garceau. “It's what we women dream of.”
• • •
Getting all this great advice more than halfway through my own wedding planning made me wonder how well I have done as a groom-to-be. Not to boast (okay, maybe just a little), but I'd say pretty darned good. Here's a quick recap:
The ring was spot on: a silver and filigree number with small diamonds - retro and yet, unique and modern. I waited until a trip back to Brooklyn, New York, which is where we met and fell in love, to pop the question on a pier overlooking the Manhattan skyline (and yes, I got down on one knee). The in-laws already love me (my future mother-in-law calls me “son”) and I let Sabrina handle most of the gift registration with the utmost confidence that she'd never want silver escargot tongs. I've decided I am going to go with a classic black tuxedo with notch lapel and black bowtie (no cummerbund, of course) and we've already signed up for dance classes.
Now, there are still some things I have yet to do: gifts for my attendants (four guys, one woman) need to be bought; honeymoon plans must be finalized (we've got our eyes on Italy); and the bachelor party. well, that one's not really up to me, right? (That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.)
But regardless of any missteps in my planning process, when Sabrina and I tie the knot this May, I am sure I will come away from it thinking it was the most special and memorable day of my life so far - that, and also that yes, tea tins do make wonderful centerpieces.